About Her
by Frostings
Summary: As a new avenue for her life opens up to her -- that is, adopting and starting her own family, Sara struggles with the choices she has made and choices she will make. Potential NS.
1. Default Chapter

_Well no one told me about her  
The way she lies  
Well no one told me about her  
How many people cried_

_But it's too late to say you're sorry  
How would I know?  
Why should I care?  
Please don't bother to find her  
She's not there_

Malcolm McLaren, _About Her_

_

* * *

_

She flitted at the edges of the crowd, quiet as a shadow. In between the mass of people, she could see the dark wood of the coffin, the white of the priest's robes. A scent of roses hung in the air, solemn and watching. It seemed strange to her that it was such a bright, blue-sky day, the day of her burial.

Later, she would hang back as the people left, one by one, the weight of the dead still on their shoulders. She knew, eventually, that it would eventually go away, they would not be crying forever.

"Sara?"

She turned around, surprised to see Thomas Adler, his eyes aged and tired, looking into her own.

"Thomas." She stretched out her arm to shake his hand, but instead she found herself hugging him. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." She said into his shoulder.

"No. Don't be." He stepped back, and smiled at her. "You saw her when she left us. It was peaceful. She's at rest now, and she fought a good battle. It's just like her."

Sara fought back tears, trying to smile, still recalling the slowing beeps leading to Pamela Adler's death. She held on their children's hands, Thomas leaning forward to give his wife one last kiss. She looked away, to the place where they buried her. "It was a beautiful service." She said, rather abruptly.

"Yes, it was." Thomas nodded as the two of them slowly walked to where she was buried. "You should've told me when you were coming, during the wake."

"I didn't want to bother you." Sara said lightly, shrugging her shoulders a bit. They stopped, and she put the flowers she brought—white lilies—on the grave. "There were so many people who wanted to say goodbye to her and I didn't want to get in the way."

"Don't say that. You're never a bother." Thomas said, shaking his head. The two stood in silence for a while, thinking back on the four years where Pamela fought her battle, staying alive. Finally, Thomas broke the silence. "Sometimes, I think, Sara… Pamela would've liked to know you."

"I would've really liked to have known her." She said, not taking her eyes away from Pamela's name engraved on the stone.

He put a hand on her shoulder. "You shouldn't blame yourself for what happened to her."

_I could've done more. _

"Thanks, Thomas." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She smiled at him. "Thanks, for everything."

He patted her cheek. "Don't work too hard. Feel free to visit us anytime. Sara… you've done more for us than you possibly can know." He pulled her again into an embrace and stepped back. He turned away, leaving Sara alone with her thoughts.

* * *

"Hey. Can I help you?" 

The sound of Nick's voice made the golden-haired girl jump. She turned to him, with her startled green eyes and yellow-gold hair. She had her backpack on, obviously she had just come back from school. The ten-year-old looked vaguely familiar to Nick although he couldn't quite place where he had seen her before.

"Hi. I'm, um, I'm looking for Sara Sidle." She said, a bit shy.

"Oh, Sara's in the lab right now. She's checking something out, but she'll be out of there pretty soon. Or so I hope." He laughed at his own joke, but stopped short when the girl with solemn eyes didn't. "Er, you can just wait here for a while. What did you say your name was?"

"I didn't." she smiled wryly at this. "My name's Brenda Collins."

He couldn't hide the quick flash of surprise across his face. _Brenda Collins?_ Yes, he remembered that case, from four years ago. The gruesome murder of the family, and the trial had been well-publicized, but after the perpetrators were convicted, he did not hear any more of what happened to the suriviving member of the Collins family. And here she was, much taller than when he last saw her, and looking pretty much like any ordinary kid.

Before Nick could decide on acknowledging knowing who she was or just going on his way, Sara was already in the hallway, walking briskly. "Brenda!" she exclaimed, sounding slightly surprised. She came over and gave the younger girl a big grin, something that Nick hadn't seen for the past few months, now. "What're you doing here? Where's Audrey?"

"She dropped me off. We were in the neighborhood, so I asked her if I could see you for a while. She'll be picking me up in an hour." Brenda started sounding more cheerful now. "I'm not bothering you, am I?"

"No, no." Sara quickly reassured her. "By the way, this is my friend, Nick Stokes. Nick, Brenda Collins." Nick smiled and shook Brenda's hand.

"Hey, Brenda." He gave her a quick nod. "Nice to meet you. Sara, I really have to go run now. Nice to meet you, Brenda."

"Bye, Nick!" Brenda said. She turned to Sara. "He's cute, isn't he?"

Sara bit her lip, trying to hold back her laughter. "I guess so. Come on, let's go to the break room."

"I'm not really bothering you, am I?" Brenda asked worriedly as they made their way down the hall.

"Lucky for you, I'm stuck with paperwork, so, no." she laughed, opening the glass door for Brenda. The younger girl promptly dropped on the couch and looked around.

"First time I've been here." she remarked. "It's nice."

"So, kiddo, what do you want?" Sara asked, opening the refrigerator. "Chocolates? I can always steal Greg's. We have a couple of sodas here, fruit, someone's half-eaten sandwich…"

"I'm not really hungry. I just wanted to see you." Brenda said honestly. Sara looked at her, eyebrows raised, and in a beat, got two sodas out of the refrigerator and tossed one to Brenda.

"So what's up?" Sara began, but already feeling slightly queasy as she sat down across Brenda.

Brenda looked down on her hands, not wanting to meet Sara's gaze. "There's this…couple who want to take me under their care." Her lips tightened into a stern line. "Another foster home. I might be moving away. Again. I don't know for how long."

Silence. Something leaden seemed to form in Sara's chest. "But…that's great. What are they like? What did Audrey say?"

"Don't say that!" Brenda said angrily. "Don't say 'that's great.' It's not. Audrey says that all the time and I keep on ending back up in the center anyway."

"Brenda…" Sara's features softened as she transferred herself to Brenda's side. "I know it's tough. But things will work itself out, somehow. Maybe this family will be _that_ family." Even to herself, she didn't sound very convincing.

"How long did you keep telling yourself that?" Brenda asked quietly. "What if I don't see you again? Don't you want to see me again?"

"Brenda…" Sara began, but she didn't know what else to say.

"You've always been visiting me, and you've said before that…that…" Brenda paused, unsure of whether she should remind Sara of something she said a few years ago. Then in a very small voice: "You might be able to help me." Then, she suddenly threw herself in Sara's arms, crying. "Please.. please." She sobbed brokenly.

Sara wrapped her arms around the girl, resting her chin on the gold hair, not knowing what to say.

* * *

"Hey, brainiac." There was a knock on the glass pane. Sara looked up to see Nick Stokes stride into the room, coffee mug in hand. "Brenda left already?"

Sara forced out a grin. "Yeah. She wanted me to say bye to you, but you weren't around. I think you just found yourself another admirer."

"Ha ha." Nick grinned, sitting next to Sara. "How time flies. I was really surprised to see her here. I didn't know you two kept in touch."

Another forced grin. "Well, we did." She said shortly.

"How is she doing?"

"God knows." Sara sighed, flipping to another folder on the desk. "Doing well enough."

The two sat in silence for a while, save for the rustling of the papers on the desk. Finally, Nick broke the spell. "Care to talk about it?"

She sighed, releasing all the folders and lying back on the couch, face upturned to the ceiling. "I don't know, Nick. I really don't know what I'm doing anymore."

"Care to elaborate?"

_Actually, no, _she felt like saying. But this was Nick. She was lucky to even see him today, since he was doing a lot of lab work which retained him within the PD. "You know when I first came here, I was _so sure _I'd be doing something, you know? I didn't know WHAT it was, but it was _something, _you know?"

"And then, before I know it, it's already been five years, and not only don't I know what that something is, I don't even know whether I want it anymore." She shook her head, laughing wryly. "Sorry. That's just idiot talk."

Before Nick could say anything, Sara was already up, collecting her folders. "Anyway, I have to go finish this up, and I think Bobby's found something." She gestured to Bobby who was waving to Nick across the hall. Before he could do anything, she was gone.

She was gone.

* * *

"Sara." 

She was unlocking her car when she saw Nick running up to her.

"I'm sorry." He half-shouted to her.

"Sorry?" she raised her eyebrow. "Sorry for what?"

"Sorry we really haven't been seeing you." Nick said. "Don't say you don't know what I'm talking about. I guess Grissom's been telling you this a lot—" then when he saw the look on Sara's face, laughed, and corrected himself. "…okay, _sometimes_, but I guess we haven't really said anything to you, have we?"

"You ARE important to the lab, no matter what anyone says. And…and, uh, well. That's it." he looked rather sheepish at the abrupt end of his speech.

"Nick." Sara began, not quite sure whether she should be taking this seriously or burst out laughing. But Nick looked so earnest that she didn't quite have the heart to laugh at his face. "Have you been pulling triples this week?"

Now it was Nick's turn to laugh. "Sidle, you're an expert in killing moments, aren't you?"

"That's my M.O." she agreed, finally giving in to a smile herself.

Nick scratched his forehead, suddenly feeling awkward. "So don't you go anywhere and pull a disappearing act on us. We're CSI. We can find you."

She grinned at him. "I'll try to remember that."

He waved. "Have a safe trip now."

"Ok." Nick had turned around when Sara hesitated. "Hey, Nick?"

He looked back at her.

"Thanks."

* * *

_Notes: Honestly? **I don't know where I'm going with this, **so yay me. _

_This is the first time I've written a fanfic based on a live-action tv show, and it's very challenging. Phew. I just had an idea of picking up on the previous victims whom Sara felt very strongly about, like Pamela Adler (Too Tough to Die) and Brenda Collins (Blood Drops). And I just like the mental image of Dakota Fanning back in the show.  
_

_ If you have any suggestions, they're more the welcome! And yes, it's turning into an NS right before my eyes._


	2. Two

Looking back, she really didn't know how things started, herself. It had been a strange reversal of roles, how she found herself on the other side, holding another frightened child's hand. "I'm not good with children," she told Grissom, but really, what she was really afraid of was the painful irony of it all.

Maybe Grissom had been right about her, but even so, she couldn't allow herself to be like him, to just let things go as they were. Somehow being dedicated to her work had not been enough, and then one day, she just found herself in the center, asking for a child named Brenda Collins, visiting Pamela Adler at the hospital. It was almost like a compulsion, at one point, but she hadn't done anything to stop it.

It hadn't been an easy five years. She had struggled with Brenda, and she knew at one point, she had to let her go, but the child learned to be comfortable with her, and only her. Brenda's first trip to her foster home had been the hardest, and Sara questioned herself a lot of times before why _she _hadn't filed to be Brenda's parent. Now she realized that she didn't because she had too many reasons, too many excuses not to. It had not been easier with the second foster home, the third, and the fourth.

Now sitting across Audrey Yates, the social worker whom had watched over Brenda and very frequently handed her over from one foster family to another, Sara still found herself wanting to leave, still found herself hanging onto her reasons.

"I'm so sorry, Sara. If I had known that she would be asking this of you, I would have never dropped her off." Audrey was saying, handing Sara cup of coffee. Sara took a quick glance around the room—filled with framed pictures of children and their letters to her. Sara had been introduced to Audrey three years ago and was impressed with her fine balance of empathy and professionalism, which was sometimes hard to do, Audrey had confided in her some time ago.

"What went wrong with the last family?" Sara asked, hoping that it wasn't as bad as she had feared. Being in the foster home system for a long time herself, God knew how many horror stories turned out to be true.

Audrey exhaled loudly, blowing up wisps of her brown bangs over her forehead. "Long story short, the other children didn't like her. You know how Brenda could be like—unsociable, to say the least. The parents tried their hardest, but…they didn't want it to turn ugly."

"Their kids asked them to choose, didn't they." Sara said quietly, dropping her gaze into her coffee mug.

Audrey sighed. "Yes, they did. I don't know, Sara. Brenda's a lovely kid, but somehow there isn't anyone who'd want to get to know her. You know how it is. It takes some time, a long time, for Brenda." She took a sip from her mug and smiled a bit. "Remember Mrs. Andrews?" Sara nodded. ""Economic status was a bit iffy, but I let her take Brenda because she was a little bit like you."

Sara was sure one eyebrow went into orbit when she heard this, but she couldn't help but laugh. "What? Really?"

"There were other factors too, but let's just say that tipped the decision to her favor." Audrey allowed herself a small smile before turning serious again. "Look, Sara, I know that we've had this conversation a lot of times before, and I know Brenda's very special to you…"

"I'm seriously considering to adopt her, Audrey." Sara interrupted, in a sudden exhalation. Audrey stopped mid-sentence, and Sara was pretty sure her face seemed to be as surprised as the woman's opposite her. "I know, this seems pretty sudden, and I know the responsibilities…"

"What about your job?" it was Audrey's turn to interrupt. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to underestimate you…but are you really up to this? This isn't like adopting puppies, you know. You can't just bring her back when you know you can't…"

"Well I'm sure that's what Brenda is feeling right now, like a returnable puppy, now doesn't she?" Audrey turned pale at this, and Sara regretted her words immediately. "I'm sorry, Audrey, I…"

The older woman stared at the desktop, as if to pull herself together. They sat in uncomfortable silence for a while until Audrey looked up again. "That's okay, Sara. I understand."

"That was a terrible thing for me to say…" Sara began desperately, mentally kicking herself for being horrible and immature, and at the same time wondering whether she _was _ready to be responsible for a child.

"But it's true." Audrey said softly. She seemed to decide on something and nodded. "If you've really made up your mind about this, then I'll support you on this."

The sudden rush of happiness erased any doubts in Sara's mind. She reached out and shook her friend's hand. She couldn't say it, she couldn't express it, but Audrey saw her smile, and felt comforted. "Thank you, Audrey. Thank you so much."

"You just gave me a lot of paperwork, but what can I do." They both laughed, and it felt strange for Sara to realize at that exact moment, that she might have found a true friend in this city.

* * *

Nick looked up just in time to see Grissom swing through the doors, looking mildly surprised to see him instead of the coroner. 

"He had to take a very important call." Nick informed him before Grissom could say anything. Grissom nodded slightly and went over to the other table, where a blonde woman lay, already deeply immersed in his notes.

"You have a DB, too, huh?" Nick said, trying to make conversation. "What's yours like?"

"Caucasian female, mid-twenties, and that's all I can say." Grissom replied, one eyebrow raised, sounding slightly sardonic. "I'm hoping the Doc can tell me some more about cause of death."

Nick knew better than to push his luck and try asking Grissom some more questions he probably still didn't know the answer to. So he went back to the realm of the living. "So, uh, where's Sara?"

"Still at the crime scene with Greg." Grissom replied, back to his clipboard.

"How is she, anyway? Haven't seen her in a week." Nick persisted. Grissom looked slightly irritated, and turned back to him, taking his glasses off.

"She's doing fine, Nick. Is this conversation going anywhere?"

"Yeah, well… I was just wondering how her adoption thing was going on." And as soon as he said it, Nick immediately regretted it when he saw the flicker of confusion that passed through Grissom's face.

"Adoption? What adoption?"

_She is going to kill me. _But with the way things are going, it looked like he'd be long dead when Grissom was through with him. He cleared his throat and tried to sound casual. "Ha—hasn't she told you? Brenda Collins…she's planning on adopting Brenda Collins."

"Brenda Collins?" Grissom's brow furrowed in confusion. "You mean the little girl from four years ago? THAT Brenda Collins?"

"Yeah, hasn't she told you?" _I should stop repeating that sentence. _He scolded himself. "She's been seeing a lot of her, and now she's planning to adopt her…they've been talking a lot."

"What…" Grissom took a step but at the same moment Dr. Robbins came in.

"Alright, what's the problem here?" he said rather cheerfully before stopping midstep, not realizing how much of an understatement his greeting was.

* * *

_I guess this is where her room is going to be. _Sara thought to herself, surveying the extra room where she had kept her some of her books and gym equipment. Slowly but surely she was clearing up her life to make room for Brenda. Whether she would be allowed to adopt her was still a question hanging in the air, but Sara decided to start early and get used to it. 

A quick and sudden rap on the door broke her thoughts. Wondering who it could be, she hurried to answer it. To her surprise, who else but Gil Grissom stood at her doorway. She forced a smile to hide her surprise.

"Don't tell me. I'm in trouble with Ecklie. Again." She quipped, trying to sound casual about it.

He didn't smile. "No, you're not."

"Oh." That was off-putting. She was really expecting that she _was _in trouble with Ecklie. Then her expression melted into puzzlement. What was he here for, then?

"Do you want to go out?" she heard him say.

* * *

_Wow! I put in Grissom! And Nicky's in trouble with Sara! _

_Thank you for the kind reviews, everyone! All of you are really amazing writers, too, and it's really something to get positive reviews from you. This really keeps me going. :)_

_And I know it's short. Will make a longer Chapter Three. Stay tuned  
_


End file.
